


What is love

by Yuukya



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Break Up, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-03 06:12:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16320656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuukya/pseuds/Yuukya
Summary: Remus and Sirius have been in a relationship for a while, but have broken up. Small story after the reason and the time after the breakup.





	What is love

Maybe I watched to many movies in my life, or read to many books but I always thought of love as a beautiful thing. I always thought that when I fall in love, I will be happily ever after with the person I love and even if we argue and fight we are still loving each other.   
Thats why it was quite shocking for me when the man, that I have spend the last months of my life with, told me that he doesn't love me. He still likes me, just not in the way that I like him.   
It was so unexpected, since just the day before he declared his love for me as if he would like to spend his life with me. It didn't change in one night, he just never loves me at all. It was just a lie. All the time he lied to me. He thought of me as a person that I have never been and as soon as he found out about the real me, he decided to leave me.  
Now, one month later, everything was back to normal. We met up again, but now only with our other friends around, but it kinda felt wrong. I never talked to him. I got nervous everytime I heard his voice. "Everything okay Moony?", James had a worried look on his face. "Yeah." I lied. "Just a little worn out. Fullmoon was just two night ago, had a rough time this month." James nodded. "Gotcha. How about we just go to Hogsmead and drink a few butterbeers? Might help a little bit." "Yeah lets go", wormtail agreed. Sirius didn't say anything, but I knew that he would also come. I thought about asking James if just the two of us could go, but I didn't want to worry him even more. I simply agreed.   
I drank as fast as I could, only the thought of leaving in my head. I drank to much and to fast, but you could say my mind left. Only that my body was still present. I remember feeling James hand on my shoulder, telling me that he is going back. I guess he took wormtail with him, cause suddenly, only Sirius and I were left.   
"Don't drink so fast." The first words he said directly to me since days. I started to sip a little bit slower. It was silent again. Then the next words. "I miss you." I guess the alcohol gave me the courage to look him directly in the eyes. "No you don't."   
"I miss the old you." I shook my head. "There is my old me. I was always the same. I have always been the same person. The thing that you miss is your image of me in your head, which you cannot get back, since you now know how I really am. You told me that you love me when you only saw my good sides, but as soon as you could see the thought behind my smile you decided that I wasn't worth being loved by you. You lied to me, all of the time." I felt myself tearing up. The words I was speaking seemed like nonsense for myself. "What was I supposed to do?" .....He answered me. "You are calling me a liar, but everything I knew about you was a lie. I was shocked. I always thought you were happy. I thought of you as the person you acted like when we were together. And I did fall in love with this act of yours. But when you started to get depressed, when I had to talk you threw your attacks, when you didn't eat enough or didn't sleep and I had to care for you, I realized that the person I loved was a lie. So don't you dare to call me a liar." He seemed angry. But I wasn't sure. I couldn't even see him completly clear. I guess I had to many drinks.   
"Then we didn't you tell me earlier? You knew that you didn't love me as soon as you found about the real me. You could have ended it right then.. But you had to stay with me just to make me suffer even more now. I thought you would be there for me, I thought you had accepted me the way I am and still loved me..." I started to stutter.  
"You already were depressed all the time..I didn't want to hurt you even more." What a lame excuse..i thought, but didn't say it. "just leave me alone"; I said instead. "I am worried about you." He seemed honest, but that didn't change anything. "Then just stop caring. One would thing that it should be quite easy for you to just stop...doing things....like loving someone." He looked sad. "I know that the person you pretended to be is part of you. I knew that it is somewhere inside of you. As I sold you I don't love you, or at least not everything of you. But I felt in love with this part of you, and I just cannot give up on it. Your happy side. The side of you I loved spending my time with, the part I started missing as soon as I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I wanted to spend every second of my time with this side. But I didn't know how to deal with your other side. I got panic when you started to talk bad about yourself. I felt guilty when you got more and more depressed. I hated everything about that. I hated that I hated you for hating yourself. I wanted you to be your happy side again, but I didn't know how to help you. I love part of you and hate part of you. So I cannot say that I love you. But i want to learn how to love all of you. And I want to learn how to help you and bring out the part that I love, more." he went silent for a second. "I really, truely miss you." I didn't say anything, instead I just stood up to go back..but I drank to much and felt way to tipsy to walk home.  
...I don't quite remember how I got back, but when I woke up I noticed myself dressed in my PJs. Next to my bed was a glass of water. I drank a little bit and went back to sleep.


End file.
